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There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth, he added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini
There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to fuck, from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could
There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic, said Get out of me clinic
And wipe off that lipstick you fool
A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass, which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!
A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went and laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed
On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned for by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase
A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money he'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."
Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel
A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb, you done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."
Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"
There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together they'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass
There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...
There once was a man named Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble he put it in double
And instead of coming...he went
There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare, it's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her
To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat." and his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."
I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis and so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint
There once was a lady names Baquila
Whose favorite drink was tequila
When men went for her rump, Like a cactus so plump
They'd find it was spiky to feel her
There once was a lady MacBeth,
Who had very plump breast,
A young fellow named Ben, put his face between them,
and suffocated to his death.